1.
a nice lady said that my poem, dear julian was like taking a bite out of an
un-ripe persimmon. i think this is one of the best reactions ever because i
bit into an un-ripe persimmon once and haven’t been back there since.
i took no offense to this. it was accurate. i am not making fun or light
of you julian. i hope you know this.
2.
a guy named frank told me i looked like a good friend who just died.
we snapped a picture. i didn’t ask “how” or “why” but i held up my
chin for a good one. i saw him and his friends look at it then back
up at me throughout the evening.
later, i lost track of them when i told the entire room that i was in love with
my friend, the m.c. (a while back i wrote a poem and it was recorded and a
year later there was music to it and on this particular evening we were to
perform it) at a hip hop show.
i am not a fan of timed delivery and i did all i could to not be drunk by the
time of delivery and when the time came i was drunk, nervous, irritated
and jittery and as we were finishing members of the wu-tang clan
(raekwon with fans) had started filing in and i was feeling pretty dark
and vulnerable today until i remembered my natural fidelity to my nowhere
logic.
victory.
3.
i think this is the third time somebody told me i looked like a recently
dead friend. either the circles are getting smaller or i’m drinking too
much.
4.
i have gone on the offensive and i feel at war with all that loves me like
the self that sat upstairs at the venue where i told the m.c. that i was in
love with him and frank told me i looked like his dead friend and felt
like shit as i drank my first beer at 4:30 collecting my thoughts – the
most prominent of which was: “oh no”.
5.
oh no plus more. bad timing to go off my medication.
6.
it is easy for the laughter to find its mark, like a cow hopped up on
dilaudid rocking ever so gently over my hobby as the bus its on rolls
over me on the way to some gaudy hot spot while on vacation in
jamaica.
yes. mon.
7.
today, i experience withdrawal and withdraw.
8.
this morning for thirty minutes i thought i was going to read slaughterhouse five
from A to Z but was humbled by the birds chirping. i am plotting a novel. fuck
you vonnegut. nobody likes my style.
9.
i am really disconcerted with my distaste for everything.
10.
last night (with sharpie) i discovered the third feature to the stupidity paradigm:
feature 1: free range stupidity.
feature 2: those who get drunk by stamping it.
feature 3: those who remain aghast. (new feature)
(thank you)
(by now its almost irrelevant)
11)
in lieu of pharmacology the love affair continues with my friends. in lieu of pharmacology the love affair continues with the verse. in lieu of pharmacology i catch up with my self – part memory – part succubus – plus a whole heaping handful of whatever
the fuck else.
the love affair continues.
10)
admission: i jettisoned from the “slaughterhouse plan” because
i saw some snarky broad with hot bangs warming a brand while
sipping on mimosas – surrounded by paper. (thus the birds chirping)
i want to get into a sleeping bag with her and drink tea and have at
it with short punches and long kisses.
11)
dear julian. they were having another carwash today for the other guy
who done perished just after you (why would you care?) and i gave
them a crisp fiver for his going away party after i bought lunch.
(double chili cheeseburger – probably dinner too).
dear julian, i’m at the coffee shop across from where the new guy got it. the
owners mother is here from somewhere and she walked inside with an armful
of bananas.
i refrained from asking if she was afraid. i refrained from asking anybody here
about anything. its better this way.
dear julian and new guy – i make light of none of this.
dear julian, now i’m drinking Egyptian tea, feeling a little less sick as i take note
of a little girl eating an “everything bagel” with a stuffed animal on
the bench next to her.
a rabbit.
Ω
dear julian: “you can cut the flowers but you can’t stop the spring.”
dear rabbit: you bet.
dear rabbit hole: not yet.
dear alice: never again without my permission.
dear god.
never again without my permission.
the end.
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